Peer Review

Sammi: Your essay is off to a really good start. However, the first thing I noticed about your paper was that the first sentence seemed to be leading the reader in the opposite direction of where your stance is. I would recommend just rewording that to make your argument clear right off the bat. Another thing I noticed was that for your paragraph about online shopping, it seems that you’re not using much of your own ideas and it starts to drift off topic. I think you should redefine your claim for that paragraph and try hard to work around that and focus on your own thoughts; don’t just summarize online shopping and what the article said. One last thing is to just make sure you introduce your sources before adding a quote. You have a lot of great ideas and I think your final essay is going to turn out really well.

Paige:

I think you have a lot of great ideas for this paper and your claims are interesting. I would suggest trying to elaborate beyond them and make sure you are coming up with your own thoughts and ideas rather than simply repeating what your sources have said or summarizing them. An example of this is in your paragraph about catfishing; it seems a little short so I would suggest expanding on your own ideas and even going deeper into how catfishing can be detrimental to a person: it affects their trust in people and questions their ability to judge situations. I also think you should make sure your thesis is strong and clear; I had a hard time finding it at first. Also, I’m not sure if this was your intention or not, but it felt like it took too long for you to say it, and to get your point across. Another thing you could work on is figuring out how you want to incorporate bandwagoning into your essay. I noticed you mentioned it a few times throughout the essay, which I liked, but I think that if your intention was to have it be a recurring topic that you should make that more clear and bring it up and connect it back to your thesis even more; also be sure to include it in your these and opening paragraph. If you weren’t intending to mention it all throughout the essay, try to link the bandwagoning paragraph to the cyberbullying one so that the idea doesn’t just keep popping up out of nowhere. Other than that, I think you need to focus on proofreading and throwing in your in-text citations. Make sure to check grammar and read your essay out loud so you can hear your mistakes; sometimes they are hard to spot when reading in your head. Your essay definitely has a lot of potential!